idratherbedrunk

“Are you sure?”

• 21 August 2011

It’s probably been almost a year since i’ve touched this page. And my motivation for ever re-entering the matrix of tumblr, is not to post black and white photos as I once obsessed over, but to use this as a medium for my conscious thought, my subconscious thought, and my self expression. To which I will begin…

I’m at a cross roads. I feel so low. In a room full of ignorant people to whom are probably oblivious to my thought processes surround me in the midst of loud music and the smell of cheap wine. I sit surrounded by a dozen people, yet no one could fill my void. It seems that when my bestest friends look at me, they see through me. I am forever alone amongst the masses. I constantly surround myself by people, I create a false sense of security because everyone else talks, and I just listen, I have no eyes on me. I prefer being invisible because I don’t want to be seen. I disgust myself. I feel ugly all the time.

So when you say I am beautiful, I shudder at the thought but I long for the reality of it. When you say you love me, I fear the thought of there being a possibility that you have left yourself as vulnerable as I have. To know that you have broken down every wall I had ever built, you have made me love the things I hated, you have so much control over me, scares me.

I have night-mares. I have night-mares about you and my insecurities. I fear you will leave me for someone prettier, that you look at other girls and long for them and not me. You should not be with me, and although as a basic human right, we all deserve happiness; I don’t deserve you. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sad, instead of feeling loved, I feel hated. Is that what you want to be around? Do you want to be around a person that cares too much but will never tell you, that has to think for 10 minutes for what to say before calling you in fear of portraying myself as someone you might not like? Do you want to be around someone who doubts you? I don’t want you to move on, but I know one day you will wake up (like you have several times in the past) and you will ask yourself “why am I with her?” and you will not find a justification, you might not even bother justifying. And it’ll be the end this time. Maybe the concept of doubt is enough justification, and you will walk away. Like you did so many times. You will walk down that road as I stand their speech-less.

You leave me speech-less. And I love you too much.

• 20 August 2011 • 6 notes

ifyoucantbeatemjoinem-deactivat asked: yeh i know you will
cya soon xx

mr ifyoucantbeatemjoinem, who are you?

• 5 December 2010

twntyseven asked: You'd rather be drunk, off what?

you, twntyseven.

• 5 December 2010

ifyoucantbeatemjoinem-deactivat asked: you will be back
i know it

reaaallllllly? x

• 26 November 2010

rafeeqj asked: heyy

eeeey